Get Out of the House Now!

Every year there was one day we celebrated and yet it was the one day of the year that each and every one of us over the age of six truly dreaded and that was the day the entire family, including the relatives that lived in Kentucky, came to visit my grandmother. Unfortunately, that meant that the Bakers (those relatives from Kentucky) would bring their 12 year old son Horace.

Now, Horace was a great kid…he really was except he never learned anything having to do with manners and that meant that he reached across the table for something he wanted, pushed Grandma out of the way so he could get into the bathroom first and even told off his mom and dad whenever he felt like it but, as we would find out was all kids play compared to his 12th year.

He showed up as usual kicking people in the shins and telling them off and he kept that up until Grandma called everyone to dinner. Of course he was the first in line and boy did he ever fill up his plate especially with my grandmother’s heirloom baked beans. No one had a thought about it. Hell, they were just happy the brat left food for anyone else.

We sat at a big table in the dining room. I am not sure where she got it but Grandma must have known that she was going to have a big family since the table sat 20 people in comfort. Anyway, Horace was at the other end of the table from me and I watched as he cleaned his plate in less than five minutes and then he rushed up and got another plate loaded with baked beans.

It was about a half an hour later when I saw people starting to turn green and rushing to the bathroom. It was like they were doing the wave the way it worked. Eventually everyone, including me, did their duty in the bathroom…the only exception was Horace. He just sat there and kept eating. The thing was, even the dog got up and ran from the room.

Uncle Fred and my grandmother looked at each other and then decided to call 911 since whatever it was may be killing all of us. I couldn’t hear what was being said but Grandma said we all had to leave the house and wait across the street until the house was cleared of whatever it was. So, we stopped eating and went across the street. The only person who seemed to be having fun was Horace who was simply smiling his ass off.

The police and Gas Company showed up first. They evacuated the homes next to my grandmother’s and taped the area off. Then the fire department showed up and, once they kicked the front door in, they went in and searched the house. The smell was still there when they came back out. The head fireman said they could not find a leak or anything that would cause the smell and they recommended that we get a hotel and spend the night out of the house.

Horace wasn’t smiling anymore he was laughing so hard that you could see blood vessels popping one after the other of his forehead.

“What in the hell are you laughing at,” Uncle Fred said with a very stern look on his face.

Horace looked at him. He was still laughing when he told Uncle Fred, “Dad, you know how I can’t eat beans? Well, Grandma made them so good I just couldn’t resist.”

“And…” Uncle Fred asked.

“I cut one during dinner. It was a great one. You used to call it silent but deadly. It must have really worked.” Horace had such a look of pride in his fart that it was hard to get mad at him.

The police, firemen and the gas workers filled out their reports and drove away after telling us that everything was safe and we could go back to having fun.

We all went back into the house. The smell was gone and amazingly the food wasn’t spoiled so we all sat down and we finally laughed about what had happened. It was pretty much the same as before everything took place except for one this…Horace was at his own table in the backyard as far away from the house as possible. We loved him…we truly did but why take a chance if you know what I mean.